Understanding Relationships- ROMANCE, POWER STRUGGLE

Relationships are the chief transforming aspects of our lives. They are the most important factors affecting our health, happiness, success and evolution.

All the relationships that we have with other reflect the relationship we have with ourself, with god, and the world around us.

When we understand relationships and their various stages, we understand where our problems lie and how to heal them.

Steps and stages of relationships

THE ROMANCE STAGE
This occurs at the beginning of the relationship and is usually filled with beauty, fun and joy. The romance stage is the ideal, the potential and promise of our relationships which we can reach when we transform them.

We need to believe that we are special and the romance stage fulfills that need. Therefore, we choose someone who treats us special and makes us feel special. Most of the time, we seek a missing part of ourselves in the new partner. The promise of being whole when we go into the relationship is actually an illusion of how we think our partner can fulfill us and make us whole.

We often begin relationships because of this reason- which is the WRONG reason. However, this is the glue that holds us together and therefore when the relationship does not work out, we fear that we may be stuck with them.

We could make the relationship succeed if we move on with the right reason with love and happiness as our main purpose. Through joining, forgiveness and letting go, we rediscover the peace, love and happiness that we have always had within us.

With romance and illusion, there is bound to be disappointment unless we set out to make our relationships whole.

Enjoy the romance stage but do not be surprised when you reach the next stage. When the romance is over, the relationship is not over, nor is the love gone. Romance does not equate to love, it is a idealized vision of our relationship that fills us with powerful passionate feelings. These are the feelings we often mistake for love, but they can power us through the more trying stages of the relationships ahead.

THE POWER STRUGGLE STAGE
This stage occurs right after the romance stage even though fights can occur at anytime in our relationships.

It becomes evident when our fears, differences, needs begin to surface through the cracks that have begun to appear in our perfect relationships.

Often the very things that have attracted us to our partners become the point of conflict as we begin to see that perhaps our needs are not being met exactly the way we envisioned it or we might discover that our partners view of the world is not something that we can share.

Herein lies the struggle as each of us battle to ensure that our needs are met and that things are done according to the way we see the world.

In other words, we have reached a NO –WIN situation.

We search for a ‘missing’ part of ourselves when we search for a partner. However, we have not MISSED out that part. We have merely hidden them and we hid them for a good reason. Perhaps we may have been hurt as children when we exhibit this part. The pain and trauma caused us to want to separate this part from ourselves.

We need to venture across the pain and fear in order to love our partners and to establish a fulfilling relationship. When we join with our partners, we reclaim the lost part of ourselves which creates an integration that combines our energy with that of our partners but this a very difficult step to take.

At this stage, we may fight for what we perceive to be our needs and it may lead to big conflicts. But every time we surrender, give, forgive and join, a new bridge is created and relationships move forward into understanding, bonding and trust.


Healing at this stage does not mean compromise as compromise means that we are sacrificing something that we believe in.

We need to learn maturity and friendship and give from the heart without any expectation of reward. We need to let go of every attachment and defense and put faith in our partners and our relationships. Only then can we find true communication, love and wholeheartedness.

Every time we join, heal or breakthrough with our partners, we will experience another period of romance. we will enjoy this until the next layer of power struggle or deadness reaches the surface.


The shadow step:

This is the first step of our entrance into the power struggle stage and it usually begins at the tailgate of romance. This step is often the point where many relationships and marriages break up.

We may suddenly feel that our relationship made in heaven can suddenly turn to hell. This stage can raise very strong feelings of fury, dislike and the reasons for this can be difficult to understand.

When we enter a relationship, we project our ideals on our partners. We see them as the things that make us whole as we feel our needs for specialness is met. However once we step into the shadow stage, we begin to project something else and this is often our worse case scenario.

Suddenly, we see in our partners, part of ourselves that we have fractured off because they were so dislikable, despicable, unlikable, bad or embarrassing that we cannot go on with them as part to our minds and being. The shadow figures represent our most hated aspects of ourselves, which are the aspects we now see in our partners.

Two things can shift the situation completely.

1) Heal the shadow figure by integrating it back into our minds by forgiving and accepting it

2) The other is to forgive ourselves, our partner, or the situations or people that has caused that figure to develop within us.

At this point, we need to recommit to our partner and make a choice to give ourselves to them completely.


The dependence-independence step

A relationship usually begins with two independent self-sustaining people. When we begin a relationship, we might be both vying for the favored independent position and this bringing the power struggle to a new level.

Relationships balance the conflicts that both partners have within them and each partner is assigned a role in the relationship in order to resolve them. We either play the independent or we become dependent, according to who is best suited for the position.

The roles shift throughout the relationship as we are never cast in one role unless we really want to be. The fundamental concept is to understand that the independent partner is always acting out the dissociation, separateness and indifference of both partners and the dependent partner is always acting out the needy sides of both partners, so when we switch and swap roles we are still acting out our joint and individual needs.

Obviously, we want to be in control, which leads to a struggle for the independent position at the beginning of the relationship. Being independent gives us the control to direct the dependent partner to do things our way or we won’t play. We are frightened by their neediness and it is often their dependence that drives us away. This is because we have to cone to terms with our pain ,fear and neediness which is hidden beneath or dissociation.


We need to work through this step of the relationship by valuing our partners more than our need to have our own way. This step will occur many many times throughout the course of our relationships. For success, we must re-establish an equal footing, where we have both or needs met and we both have the space, freedom and security of interdependence.

As a dependent or ‘needy partner’, we have to let go of our needs and attachments.

As the independent partner, we have to learn how to value, reassure, appreciate, reach out and with our love, raise up the dependent partner. The extent to which we are able to invest our time and energy in our dependant partner no matter how jealous, unattractive or hysterical they may seem is the extent to which they are able to give up these unattractive qualities and become equal once again.

Needy partners need to join independent partners in love, rather than just seeing them as a source of meeting our needs. When we do this, we move ourselves forward. We need trust, letting go and communication in order to achieve this, but it will, eventually, build a bridge over the conflicts. We need to value our partner and our relationships more than our needs and every time we are able to do so, we will bring about a new honeymoon period, until the next layer of conflict arises.

Independent partners must realize that the dependant partner is working through the neediness for both of us. And the easiest way to move through our hidden needs is to join and reach back for them. When we help our dependant partners heal their neediness and pain, we heal ourselves too.

Recognizing the reasons why people become dependent and needy within a relationship helps us to be sympathetic, compassionate and ultimately a good partner. If we are good partners when we are independent, we will receive the same treatment when the roles are reversed.

The crisis that typically occurs when we switch roles is bypassed by the new level of partnership we have established.

The positive-negative step

This step occurs when we realize we have different ways of seeing things. One of us in the partnership is ‘positive’ and the other is ‘negative’.

Neither is wrong. We just see and approach things differently.

A positive partner is usually idealistic and optimistic, has boundless energy and enthusiasm. He or she always underestimates the amount of time, money and energy needed to finish a project.

The negative partner knows exactly how much time it will take and probably does not believe that there are resources to achieve it.

The positive partner goes for the big picture and goes for the big goal while the negative partner pays attention to the details and doesn’t want to make a mistake.

Both of these approaches are effective and valid. When used together, they create a productive and happy partnership.

The lesson of this step is that we must learn to value the contributions of our partners and work together, which will produce all the energy required to accomplish anything on which we set our hearts and dreams.

Negative partners are excellent problem identifiers while positives are excellent problem solvers. They are usually complimentary. The secret lies in avoiding fighting about who is right, who is better, more ambitious, practical or clever. Respect and value our differences.

This force, as well as the valuing and recommitment to our partners propels us to a new state of our relationship which begins with a honeymoon period.

Next Stage: Dead Zone